So drunk its hurt
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
