Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I will be naked everywhere
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
