my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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