Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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