She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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