end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
