I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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