Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
