If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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