I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
