I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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