my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I currently don't understand fingers.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
