last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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