Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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