mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
