what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
