Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
