i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
