You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
