it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
