just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
