Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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