I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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