Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
