I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
