i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
