I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
