You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
