My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
