I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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