You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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