Only a mothe r could love this liver
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
