walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
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The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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