there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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