Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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