you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
