he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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