Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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