U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
