Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think my moral compass just broke
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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