I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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