My hair reeks of homosexuality.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
