Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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