Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
