dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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