My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
