I cockslap morals
im about as happy as oj after his trial
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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