I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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