Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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