Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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