I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
