Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Pooping to opera.
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