Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
