what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
