So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
