R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
