Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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